Stupid

The other morning I was getting dressed to take my 4-year-old son to preschool and he walked in, looked at me, poked me in the stomach and asked with genuine curiosity “Mommy, why are you so fat?”

I don’t remember the last time I felt so disappointed in myself.

I answered simply and honestly. “Well, Carson, sometimes Mommy eats too much and sometimes I don’t make good choices about what I eat. I’ve done that for a long time and now I’m fat.”  

This seemed to satisfy him and he said “Oh” and after a brief pause “I’m not fat.”

I looked at his skinny little body, a testimony to his general disinterest in food. “I know, honey. You are just right the way you are.” And then a sudden thought occurred to me “Carson?”

“Yes, Mommy?”

“Please don’t EVER ask anyone else why they are fat or tell anyone else that they are fat.”

“Why?”

“Because some people don’t really like being fat. It’s embarrassing. And saying ‘You’re fat!’ to someone might hurt their feelings and make them sad.”  

“Is it like saying ‘stupid’?” (the other thing I’ve said never to say to anyone).

“Yes, honey, it’s exactly like ‘stupid.’"

The worst thing about battling my weight is that I feel stupid. I know it’s my own fault. I am not one of these people for whom delusion actually allows them to say with great sincerity “no, really, I barely eat a thing, but I still don’t lose a pound.” As I glance at my Facebook page with its barrage of updates detailing workout regimens, pictures of so-and-so’s latest healthy dinner recipe, and check-ins at the local gym, I am thoroughly disgusted with myself. I am painfully aware that every unfortunate bulge on my body has been bought and paid for with countless instances of abandoned discipline and bad decision making.

What’s wrong with me? Why is my self-discipline so non-existent? Why can I not make “nothing tastes as good as thin feels” resonate with me? Even in the midst of weight loss success, it seems as if I’m just one rough day away from total complete relapse.

It was during my last briefly-blog-chronicled attempt at tackling this monster that I recognized the Spiritual component to my issues with weight. It was then that I recognized that my “go to” and my cravings need to be directed to something different. They need to be redirected toward God.

In addition, I also need to be very cognizant of the enemy’s role in derailing my efforts. Satan LOVES it when I feel stupid, because when I feel stupid I am very vulnerable to all the other lies he wants to whisper in my ear.

You’ll never really change.

You’re too weak to keep this up.

Even if you lose the weight you’ll still just be a fat girl in a thin girl’s body.

Satan will take advantage of my vulnerability and he will fuel the fires of self-loathing with lies. Feeling stupid keeps me powerless. It keeps me defeated. It keeps me paralyzed. It keeps me fat.

I need to take those lies and replace them with the truth of scripture.

You’ll never really change.
In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. Romans 8:37

You’re too weak to keep this up.
But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. Galatians 5:16

Even if you lose the weight you’ll still just be a fat girl in a thin girl’s body.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17

The truth of the Gospel is more powerful than any lie the enemy tries to tell. It's true - I can’t do this on my own. If I’m depending on self-discipline and willpower to put me into single-digit sizes, I best prepare myself for yet another disappointment. I cannot manage this in my own power.

But I don’t have to.

It’s not about me trying harder, doing better, or pulling myself up by my bootstraps until I find that "thin within" me. It’s about submitting my heart – and my appetite – to the Lord. It’s about pulling down the food-shaped idols once and for all and recognizing that they don’t deserve my worship, God does. And it’s about realizing that the power that raised Jesus from the grave is the power that can enable me to be victorious in this (Ephesians 1:19-20).

I leave you with this tonight. It is such a great encouragement to me!
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. Psalm 103:2-5